•SAMS•

bye bye time.

Thursday, November 22, 2018 |

3:29 PM

0 comment(s)

time can really slip when youre sick (of yourself lmao amirite)

im sorry.

3:29 PM

0 comment(s)

today, im either losing a friend (or two)

and i cant figure out why im letting it happen

part of me cant seem to wait for things to get over and done with

but another big part of me wants them to sympathize with me (which they really shouldnt)

again

i ask

why

am i

like this

how do i change

how should i find a new perspective

why am i always making it difficult for myself

and everyone else

im sorry and i will always be

daydream.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018 |

3:51 PM

0 comment(s)

every time i want to send a text saying "can we talk" or "i have something to say", i dont.

every time i do, its always because i need to. but i dont.

its been so long. ive been this way for so long. im tired of myself.

when they ask "how are you" i say nothing or i try to say "im ok" and then laugh(?)

dont ask me that.

im never feeling good.

havent gone to classes again. what a waste of money. why do they allow me to keep being like this. i dont want this.

i havent told them anything. what im thinking. im always sorry towards them. they dont deserve this.

i dont even know what i want. i also dont want to think about it. why

im tired

ive been tired since 2017. burnt. out.

havent had a decent relationship with anyone on the working period.

not their fault, its all mine.

im the toxic

~

how do i change?

ive been looking to other people. cant say that ive gotten any less tired.

forums, videos, apps, professionals, family. all different but nothing helped (that much).

the drugs hurt. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it ihate it i hate it. it didntwork so well it was just placebo

all that money wasted once again. im sorry again.

im 21. i was 20 when it was the worst.

December 17th, learned the cleanest methods to leave.

December 18th, dear JH passed.

so sad i woke up thinking that was suppose to be me instead

but thanks to him im still here, trying my best(?)

now the feeling is slowly coming back

im gonna quit

but i dont know what im gonna do

ive hurt a good friend

i dont want her to leave too

no one cares as much as she does

all i want is to be steady and ok

i cant imagine that for me

so i daydream

∞

A list of things I like 2017 (in case I forget).

Sunday, January 21, 2018 |

4:44 PM

0 comment(s)

i could do this on my notes but nah

Anything BTS
streetwear (like buckethats, thrasher hoodies)
man-ish tailored clothes (lmao like turtlenecks and blazers)
dark green
ice cream (no nuts)
jackets
spicy food (no northern chinese or wasabi spice)
rain when im indoors
vaporwave
somebody toucha my spaghet meme (jan 2018)
yaoi
my youtubers;

pewds
marzia
john douglass
jenna and household
shane and gang
try guys
karuna satori
sean evans
safiya nygaard
tom harlock
88rising
seth everman
adrian bliss
my boi tabasko sweet
motoki
kylelandry

cats
fun socks
kingdom hearts
chicken wings
flatforms
cheesecake
play dress up games (i see u nikki)
water
skincare
koko
future funk
tbh ily (kidswaste remix)
saint pepsi - enjoy yourself
maplestory
houseki no kuni (anime gems)
adventure time (season 8, 9)
svtfoe (what a fucking development)
rick and momo
call me by your name (2018) !!!!!
tod's
babi
japanese things
yvette young - shibuya
one piece
miraculous lady bouuuug
elfie the cat
memes
devilman crybaby (2018)
muji

Little Wolf Chapter 1: First Day.

Friday, March 4, 2016 |

9:52 PM

0 comment(s)

"You did it!"

My mother waves the torn envelope in excitement. She wipes her tears of joy and hugs me.

"I'm so, so proud of you, sweetheart."

My days in cram school actually paid off. Of course, I knew it was more of my effort than what the school taught me. I worked hard everyday and just like mom tells me every morning before i leave to school, "Promise me to give it your all, okay?"

And "I promise, mom." is what I would reply her. Every morning.

The thing is, that heap of crap they call school was really no help to where i was aiming; the teachers were teaching according to their wages. Hence, not only were they undedicated, they were also not helpful. I had to work my own butt off. I sneaked into lectures to the university in my neighborhood, took free classes online (where there were hardly any), and even when Google wasn’t specific enough, I went to scraped the local library when there wasn’t enough material to go over.

I wondered how and why the teachers were even there--was it because they adults and they needed to work because society deems it? The world would be better off with them unemployed or dead.

"Hm," my mother reads the acceptance letter "Honey,"

"What is it, mom?" Her face of wrecked happiness vanished, turning into sadness. "You know what? It's nothing sweetie, just nothing. Don’t worry about it, okay?"

Clearly there was something, her face wouldn’t change from pure joy to pure frustration and sadness. Yet, I chose not to ask. She didn’t want me to know, and so I shouldn’t. At least, not from her directly.

***

"Tell me all about it later ok Hun?" I kissed my mom on the cheek. "that’s the first thing I’ll do. But mom, this is the first and last you’re doing this to me; I’m in college now!" I waved to my mom, my back turned as I run off to my lecture room. My mom waved back, smiling and drove off.

I hope she comes on time. I thought. It was still early, at least a half an hour till class starts. So I made my way to the dean's office. She inquired to see me, as she needed to go over some basic school honor rules and other trivial things with me since I’m a special transfer student.

"Good morning, Dean McCormack. We arranged to meet at his time?" I entered her awfully coffee-odored office.

"Ah, why yes we have, Ms. Carlisle. Good morning and how you do?"

"I'm feeling great. I--"

"Great. Coffee?"

"I don’t drink--"

"I have milk and sugar if you cant handle black."

I’ll give props to her since she has great resilience. She's playing with me, just because I’m younger than her youngest doesn’t mean anything. I’ll take it, I’ll take this challenge of yours, dear Dean McCormack. "I can take black" I sipped her cup.

"What? Mommy didn’t give you enough milk and pancakes this morning?" She probably noticed that I don’t take coffee. "if you wanted one so bad, I could’ve poured you up one more. No need for stealing." that or the fact that I stole her drink.

I knew the adult world would be a real struggle. But for my first day? The universe must really hate me.

"Let's get to business shall we?" she passes me a book the size of an encyclopedia. "I'll have you read this and you can come to me or any faculty or staff if you have ay questions." Written on the book was: Massachusetts Institute of Technology: Student Handbook and guidelines.

"Is that it?" I struggled to take another sip of the black concoction. "Of course not, we still have matters to discuss that are not in the handbook. For instance, like yourself."

"Me?" She gets from her chair and comes over to sit on her desk right in front of my tiny self. She was an attractive lady for her age. I could tell her breasts were already sagging from her revealing top. "There aren’t many others like you in our institute. As you know, MIT doesn’t just accept people your age" she crosses her legs and truths were revealed. "Being intelligent alone cant get you as far as here, no. You’d have to be willing, passionate and ambitious."

"From your application you’ve stated that it as your 'dying wish' to get here. You sure, that's what you feel? Because from what I know, kids don’t just go around saying they want to study in a top college by the age of ten." She pauses for a moment. "Tell me your real reason why you want to study with us?"

"That was what I really meant" I looked up at her cleavage "I would have died to come here" I scanned her face "and I almost did".

"As far as I know, I think it's someone like me who could up your school rank to an even higher level. I mean, when else are people going to whiff out 10-year-old Einsteins from MIT?" My watch tells me it's five to class. I up and exited the dean's 1mm radius. "You need me. I'll be good for commercial and business, don’t you think?" I gave my sweet silenced dean a cute smile.

I turned and headed for the door. "OH and before I forget, I’ll be back, okay? I want to have a discussion on my scholarships. I have calculated, and double calculated but nothing adds up. I noticed it's not the amount I needed." The dean snapped back to reality and replied "but you shouldn’t have to worry about that dear, your mother should."

"and that’s exactly why I should too. Good day to you Dean McCormack."

***

"Hey kiddo, my sibling thought of sending a replacement?" This massive grunt muscular old boy comes up to me and starts to tug on my backpack. "Heh, well, sending a kid here isn’t really UNnoticable, you feel?"

I turned up and smiled at him, "Unfortunately, I’m not replacing anyone today. I’m here just as you are." His face, full of astonishment. "No way, for real?" He goes up to his pack of gossip hungry peers. "Guys, guess what? This kids for real!" At the same time they all looked at me as if I was some kind of rare species in a zoo keep. The classroom was large enough to around 30 students so they dragged their seats and encircled mine, creating a kind of crescent shape around mine.

"You’re, what, eight? Nine?"

"Whoa, that's like my nephew's age!"

"Do you have friends your age?"

"You must be like super extremely smart to be here. Wait, do you even have what it takes? or are you just here because of family influence? Are you rich?"

"I don’t think you’re prepared for college life"

"Hey, you got any hot older siblings?"

I saw this coming. Although not accurate, movies do have a way of slightly providing some kind of truth in the exaggerated plots. Keep it coming; you pack of hormonal curious beasts. I can take it. But I don’t have to answer it.

"Okay, guys, that’s enough. No pressuring the new kid." the class silenced but i could hear a rise of murmurs that most probably were about me. "Sam, why don’t you come up here and introduce yourself?" Great, introductions. I just love them.

"I'm Sam Carlisle from Kentucky. And I'll be majoring in computer engineering and would want to in a high-paying company in the future." The lecturer starts writing my name as I talked. "Any questions for Sam?" A girl with purple streaks in her auburn hair raises her hand "by future, do you mean when you turn the age of a high school student?" The some students snicker to her question. "C'mon guys, be serious. You’re too old for th--"

"It's cool, Trent. As for the unicorn wannabe, I’d say that you were right. That would be the most accurate estimation for my working age."

"As for, you," I gazed upon this girl "Aubrey, Ashley? Maybe Anastasia? Well, surely whatever name it is, it should start with an A like A for asshole, don’t you think?" the class laughs, the asshole shrinks.

"Listen now and listen well, I am here because I need to be, I don’t know about the rest of you. I don’t care." I closed my eyes. "If you need to say something to me, say it to my face."

"If not, then you’re as much as an asshole as Miss Ashley here," I smiled. "Well, is that’s all? Very well, then.” I walked back to my seat.

Class continues with little interruption.

Bishounens Galore! (Game ver.).

Saturday, February 13, 2016 |

4:05 AM

0 comment(s)

It's game time!
Here's a game version based on my Bishounen post. lel
Of course, everyone here is here because of my own tastes.
Enjoy!

Arisato Minato/ Yuki Makoto

(Persona 3)