every time i want to send a text saying "can we talk" or "i have something to say", i dont.

every time i do, its always because i need to. but i dont.

its been so long. ive been this way for so long. im tired of myself.

when they ask "how are you" i say nothing or i try to say "im ok" and then laugh(?)

dont ask me that.

im never feeling good.


havent gone to classes again. what a waste of money. why do they allow me to keep being like this. i dont want this.

i havent told them anything. what im thinking. im always sorry towards them. they dont deserve this.

i dont even know what i want. i also dont want to think about it. why

im tired

ive been tired since 2017. burnt. out.


havent had a decent relationship with anyone on the working period.

not their fault, its all mine.

im the toxic

~

how do i change?

ive been looking to other people. cant say that ive gotten any less tired.

forums, videos, apps, professionals, family. all different but nothing helped (that much).

the drugs hurt. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it ihate it i hate it. it didntwork so well it was just placebo

all that money wasted once again. im sorry again.


im 21. i was 20 when it was the worst.

December 17th, learned the cleanest methods to leave.

December 18th, dear JH passed.

so sad i woke up thinking that was suppose to be me instead

but thanks to him im still here, trying my best(?)


now the feeling is slowly coming back

im gonna quit

but i dont know what im gonna do


ive hurt a good friend

i dont want her to leave too

no one cares as much as she does


all i want is to be steady and ok

i cant imagine that for me

so i daydream

∞